how's things

well the last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoster. had shell here for xmas and the new year but in the end only spent time with her till the thursday and then a certain person kicked off as i was'nt spending time with him so i decide not to be with shell and now that is in the the air, and all for what? a possible reunion...and what does he do? moves to the other couch 3 hours before NY and then goes to bed 2 hours beore. so i got up went into town to the girl's and tokk some pills , saw the NY with them, went for a walk  and then just felt like i wanted to be alone, so i came back home, went into his room, gave him a hug and kiss (thank god i did'nt wake him!) and went downstairs and drank and took more pills. very sad i know.
on the dating front...welllet me tell you, have been meeting all sorts of guys for coffee, and yes it has been coffee no code word or anything. there were some times when i was tempted to go back to theirs back i keep waiting for luke. the last and only time that i have had sex was  great but it was'nt new...lance and i used to date in puerto rico so it was more like a reunion...and boy did i feel so guilty after!! now though, today, there are 3 definite guys that i can think of that i would consider seeing. all of them so far i have been chatting on-line, and the weird thing is that they are all here this w'end.
we have been tempted to meet but have organized other times. maybe i should'nt be doing this but i can't wait forever for luke. on boxing day he wanted to try again, but after i said yes, he has slowly backed off to the point where twice in 2 nights he has disappeared for the night while i have been asleep. this morning he told me he went over to this guy's place, after being on gaydar, and was playing some computer game.
no sex he assures me. but how can i be sure? anyway, have started to make plans to go to manchester and my aaron has said that i could crash at his. i'm worried though that he may want something in return and as much as i would probably say yes if i'm single..what happens if by then luke comes around? then again,that's a couple of months away and who knows i may actually be free of the feeings at last!
have dino, gio and lorenzo over to soon from italy. i cannot wait to see these guys..it has been so long since gio and i had a chat and a hug! my first ever straight italian boy that i won over with my charm. freddy should be coming too i hope and i believe they are engaged now so that should a celebration. lorenzo and dino will be something else, well dino will be..a mix of cali in him...i remember the first time we meet on fire island and the sparks that shone! man what a week that was!
so all in all i hope you can tell that my heart has'nt changed positions but my head has started to see from out of the fog. shell has even asked me to come to LA to chat about things and really try to understand just how confused i am about luke. don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing?

Well there is not much that I can write on this that some may already know. I'm not here to defend or accuse. We've done enough of that and I, like Luke am tired of it all. I've come to realize that ultimately it has been me that has done all of this. I have been the one that has been on his case since the beginning as such thinking and feeling that I could forgive him and move on like I did with Ian (1st bf). So much to my regret I was unable. I felt that everytime as time passed the hurt I was feeling was not understood and so by bring it up all the time I did'nt think and realize that I was just denting the relationship more and more. A big part has also been that I wear my heart on my sleeve as such and I thought in time that Luke would open up more to me. Instead, once he left me, all I saw was him flirting, chatting and going home with other guys. It had'nt occurred to me that they have been friends or indeed that he was hurting and just did'nt want me to see it for whatever reason. I miss the times when we would be in bed laughing and tickling one another, talking on the couch and just cuddling up to him while watching tv. He is the most wonderful, provocative, inspiring, comical, loveable, truely handsome, sexy, amazing, inspirational, aspiring, determined, giving, loving, nuturing, cuddly young man I have had the pleasure to know and love. I am still in live with Luke and I know that a lot of people will not believe this but I'm not out to prove it to anyone. I can feel it. I can sense it. I can breath it. All he has to do still is walk in a room and I am transfixed by his presence. I don't know if it's because of this that I could'nt forgive before and just blamed him all the time and tried to make him feel what I have always felt........I don't know now and never probably will. I miss playing with his chest hair, I miss holding his hand, I will miss cleaning up after him. I will miss holding his face and looking into those mezmorizing eyes of his and feel my heart jump like as if I was on a rollercoaster. I'm certainly going to miss kissing him and feel like I am floating and feel a tear on my cheek everytime he did. I know I have lost the love of my life and will feel pain but I also know that there is someone out their that is about to become a very very lucky person and I just hope that Luke finds his true love.

well it's almost 0700 and i have'nt been to bed since i woke up at midnight to find luke still not in. i ring him and he tells me that he's at linda's again...but that's what he said last time when in fact he then told me later he was with lloyd. so what do i believe? well i've made a decision and this is going to affect me more than i care to admit. if he can't bring himself to tell me the truth than so be it. i'm sure in some way it's his way of continueing what he said to me once before and that was to protect me. i just hope that he can bring himself to honest with himself. i feel that he has not been faithful, and should he, we are not together anymore. while i sill look for a bloody job and live off nothing practically, why should luke feel that he has to sneak around? it has to stop. i would like to be friends but am not sure if that can happen. all i know is that i'm crazy for him and the good times have always outweighed the bad. i know there are some people that have not even spoken to me and have only seen the one side but hey at the end of the day, i know what has happened in this house. only luke and i know. i'm not fighting anymore. i'm not doing anything anymore other than walk away and see what happens.

met up with leo last night at element aboout 30 minutes or so before luke came and it was fun yet again to catch up. i love that guy so much! so instead of just a couple of drinks, i think we wer their till about 2200. in the period of merryment leo had asked me to call anyone that i knew that could help the night along and i knew just the right dude. got their with 5 minutes to spare. did our little dance and luke and i went home with a little present. we talked and talked. something we have'nt done in such a long time. was'nt until 0100 that we turned the t.v. off and proceeded to .......!!!! this morning though, felt like shit until i remembered a promise i had made to luke. so i had to fulfill that one. then we get out of bed and another day starts......

Well luke finally got home at about 1230 - 0100 and he told me that he had fun out with this old mate of his and they had actually had a really good night catching up and all. Luke also said to me that they did actually talk about the possibility of attraction and they were honest enough to say that they are to only be friends. Not that I was worried...I just did'nt want Luke to be put into a situation that would make it uncomfortable for them. After Luke told me of his exploits, we went to bed and the most amazing sex. I tell you, the more I am with him the better I feel about us and the sex just really gets better and better. He really knows where to push the buttons and I am so relaxed and excited around him. Next week it's 6 months and I only wish it was longer.

Well the bf comes home tonight to tell me eventually that he's in contact with an old acquaintance from the net and that this guy is now in london. not feeling threatened. we decide to have a romantic evening with a meal and a massage and well you can guess the rest...however then this guy txt and says that he's horny and does'nt know anyone. me being me, tells the bf that he should meet up with this guy and have a couple with him. what i had also found out was that this guy had txt the bf and asked for sex only to be told that he was now off limits as he's seeing me. i'm not jealous or anything. i'm worried that once the bf gets drunk enough he may kiss himm as he has done in the past with other strangers. i just hope this guy respects us.

Right all, it's whatever time it is and I'm shattered from all the hard work that I've done all week with my boss. Looking forward to having Saturday off for a change for the hell of it and not for some reason. As you can probably tell I'm new to this so excuse the mistakes or the boredom you'll get from reading this. Whoever reads this tell me more about meeting people!