how's things

Well there is not much that I can write on this that some may already know. I'm not here to defend or accuse. We've done enough of that and I, like Luke am tired of it all. I've come to realize that ultimately it has been me that has done all of this. I have been the one that has been on his case since the beginning as such thinking and feeling that I could forgive him and move on like I did with Ian (1st bf). So much to my regret I was unable. I felt that everytime as time passed the hurt I was feeling was not understood and so by bring it up all the time I did'nt think and realize that I was just denting the relationship more and more. A big part has also been that I wear my heart on my sleeve as such and I thought in time that Luke would open up more to me. Instead, once he left me, all I saw was him flirting, chatting and going home with other guys. It had'nt occurred to me that they have been friends or indeed that he was hurting and just did'nt want me to see it for whatever reason. I miss the times when we would be in bed laughing and tickling one another, talking on the couch and just cuddling up to him while watching tv. He is the most wonderful, provocative, inspiring, comical, loveable, truely handsome, sexy, amazing, inspirational, aspiring, determined, giving, loving, nuturing, cuddly young man I have had the pleasure to know and love. I am still in live with Luke and I know that a lot of people will not believe this but I'm not out to prove it to anyone. I can feel it. I can sense it. I can breath it. All he has to do still is walk in a room and I am transfixed by his presence. I don't know if it's because of this that I could'nt forgive before and just blamed him all the time and tried to make him feel what I have always felt........I don't know now and never probably will. I miss playing with his chest hair, I miss holding his hand, I will miss cleaning up after him. I will miss holding his face and looking into those mezmorizing eyes of his and feel my heart jump like as if I was on a rollercoaster. I'm certainly going to miss kissing him and feel like I am floating and feel a tear on my cheek everytime he did. I know I have lost the love of my life and will feel pain but I also know that there is someone out their that is about to become a very very lucky person and I just hope that Luke finds his true love.

well it's almost 0700 and i have'nt been to bed since i woke up at midnight to find luke still not in. i ring him and he tells me that he's at linda's again...but that's what he said last time when in fact he then told me later he was with lloyd. so what do i believe? well i've made a decision and this is going to affect me more than i care to admit. if he can't bring himself to tell me the truth than so be it. i'm sure in some way it's his way of continueing what he said to me once before and that was to protect me. i just hope that he can bring himself to honest with himself. i feel that he has not been faithful, and should he, we are not together anymore. while i sill look for a bloody job and live off nothing practically, why should luke feel that he has to sneak around? it has to stop. i would like to be friends but am not sure if that can happen. all i know is that i'm crazy for him and the good times have always outweighed the bad. i know there are some people that have not even spoken to me and have only seen the one side but hey at the end of the day, i know what has happened in this house. only luke and i know. i'm not fighting anymore. i'm not doing anything anymore other than walk away and see what happens.