well the last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoster. had shell here for xmas and the new year but in the end only spent time with her till the thursday and then a certain person kicked off as i was'nt spending time with him so i decide not to be with shell and now that is in the the air, and all for what? a possible reunion...and what does he do? moves to the other couch 3 hours before NY and then goes to bed 2 hours beore. so i got up went into town to the girl's and tokk some pills , saw the NY with them, went for a walk  and then just felt like i wanted to be alone, so i came back home, went into his room, gave him a hug and kiss (thank god i did'nt wake him!) and went downstairs and drank and took more pills. very sad i know.
on the dating front...welllet me tell you, have been meeting all sorts of guys for coffee, and yes it has been coffee no code word or anything. there were some times when i was tempted to go back to theirs back i keep waiting for luke. the last and only time that i have had sex was  great but it was'nt new...lance and i used to date in puerto rico so it was more like a reunion...and boy did i feel so guilty after!! now though, today, there are 3 definite guys that i can think of that i would consider seeing. all of them so far i have been chatting on-line, and the weird thing is that they are all here this w'end.
we have been tempted to meet but have organized other times. maybe i should'nt be doing this but i can't wait forever for luke. on boxing day he wanted to try again, but after i said yes, he has slowly backed off to the point where twice in 2 nights he has disappeared for the night while i have been asleep. this morning he told me he went over to this guy's place, after being on gaydar, and was playing some computer game.
no sex he assures me. but how can i be sure? anyway, have started to make plans to go to manchester and my aaron has said that i could crash at his. i'm worried though that he may want something in return and as much as i would probably say yes if i'm single..what happens if by then luke comes around? then again,that's a couple of months away and who knows i may actually be free of the feeings at last!
have dino, gio and lorenzo over to soon from italy. i cannot wait to see these guys..it has been so long since gio and i had a chat and a hug! my first ever straight italian boy that i won over with my charm. freddy should be coming too i hope and i believe they are engaged now so that should a celebration. lorenzo and dino will be something else, well dino will be..a mix of cali in him...i remember the first time we meet on fire island and the sparks that shone! man what a week that was!
so all in all i hope you can tell that my heart has'nt changed positions but my head has started to see from out of the fog. shell has even asked me to come to LA to chat about things and really try to understand just how confused i am about luke. don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing?